thoughts that keep me up until 3am

Every once in awhile the thought comes to me; I should put my life in order so I can be rebaptized. However; when I start thinking of the ways I would need to prepare for rebaptism I back away feeling it to be near impossible. The real question is, do I want it for the right reason?

I like the idea of being a fully-functional member of the church with all the blessings that come with such membership. However; does that mean I am also prepared for all the responsibilities that it entails? I feel like I only want the blessings without the sacrifice. That seems to be a common theme in my life.

I'm coming up on my seventh year of excommunication and I think given my beliefs and way of living, it would make it quite difficult to maintain my membership again. I am gay. I don't believe it is just some sort of "trial" I was given on Earth; this is who I am, among so many other things. I don't have a desire to be with a woman. Sure, the fantasy of living the cookie-cutter heterosexual life seems wonderful, but in reality it would never work.

I also have no desire to be celibate either. I crave affection like any other person and I know I would go insane if I repressed my feelings for another man and did not express myself physically. I do think it would be great to be chaste until married, now that it is legal in New York, but can I find a man willing to wait also? I can barely trust that any guy I am dating isn't dating several other guys at the same time, let alone think he's being chaste before our marriage.

So, back to rebaptism. Maybe the time is not right, maybe it is not now, maybe it is just not going to happen. I guess I have to decide if that's something I can live with; never being a member of the church again. Does that mean I am accepting a lesser degree of heaven, as well? Maybe I am alright with that, too. Sigh.

These are the thoughts that keep me up until 3am.

You have been caught Jey Walking!

undetectable VISIONARY - MY BOOK

undetectable VISIONARY

someone turn on the light, please

So I am at the point in this journey where and when I have the need to stop and think about where it is I am going. It would be cliche of me, or anyone, to say that I am at a crossroads; I'm not. I am just tired or walking around, aimlessly, in circles. Like most men, I have yet to stop and ask for directions when I am clearly lost.

I looked back on some of my posts housed in this blog and all I read is me, me, me and blah, blah, blah. It's the same crap spewed out over and over again. Whoop-di-do-dah! I've got HIV! Whoop-di do-dah! I'm struggling with A through Z. It's not to say that there haven't been some moments that are precious to me, but there's a lot of it, upon looking back, that gives me a headache.

Where am I going?

I never wanted to make this a place where I would just bitch all the time about my life and everything that's wrong with it. No one wants to read it. I don't want to read it. This blog is really supposed to be inspiring, uplifting and, at the least, enjoyable to read.

I am sitting here on my bed with Porter who keeps giving me those eyes that say, "Hurry up and go to bed."  So I got to go soon.

Anyway, I look around my room and all I can see is a collection of BLAH. That is what this blog has turned into for me. I hope readers have gotten something out of this, but it's time to shift the aura, the attitude and the light of this place. It's beginning to get muggy, musky and dark.

My sincere hope is to bring the readers to a place where they can feel inspired. A place where one can read a post and smile; maybe share it with their friends and have it brighten their day. If this is already the case for you then, great, be prepared for it to get even better. For those who see what I see, the light is coming. Come to the light, Carol-Ann!

Thanks for sticking with me peeps!

You have been caught Jey Walking!

PS. Your prayers are always welcome :D

detox

Last night I watched a man overdose and kill himself because he said he could no longer feel anything.

He was once a successful photographer that turned to a life of addiction and prostitution to get by. In the end he couldn't even tell his only friend that he loved him because love seemed so strange to a man who has sex for money. It was a sad story that reminded me of others I know and myself.

My life used to be like this man and a lot has changed either by force or by choice. I have never done drugs, but that's not to say that I've never been addicted. I still suffer from many addictions and there are days I feel nothing.

This last weekend I made a small inventory of my current life and became overwhelmed with my internal budget. I saw how much energy goes needlessly to parts of my life that would be better off removed from me.

Lately, I have been struggling to come to grips with the realities of my life. I decided to do what I usually do when I can't figure out my life; do my laundry, clean my room, organize and simplify. I did an amazing job this last couple days doing just that; seriously, if you ever need someone to spring clean, I'm the guy.

Being behind in school, struggling financially, having a pet die and enduring a long, sunless winter in a big, loud city has made it difficult to concentrate on my life. I really just want to go somewhere warm and feel alive again. I might even have to resort to tanning just to get some UV rays in my system. I miss San Diego with all my heart and though you never heard it from me, I sort of miss Atlanta, too. I think the reason for being somewhat homesick has little to do with the weather compared to being close to family and close friends.

I am hoping to make a comeback soon. I 'd like to reach my goals this year that include catching up with my schoolwork, getting my finances on track and focusing more on the good in my life and the good I can do for others. It's easy to be selfish in times of need and personal crisis, but I know that when I am stuck in a pit, the best way out is to help others that are in the pit with me.

I need an emotional, mental, spiritual and probably even, physical detox to leave behind the toxins in my life and replace them with healthy nourishment. It's no surprise that, though I am still undetectable, my T-Cells keep dropping. Stress can cause T-Cells to be more vulnerable and weaken my overall state of being. My hope is to kick my body, mind and spirit into gear and continue the race I started.

I have faith in my close friends and family that they will continue to be a support in my life no matter what my needs may be. I have faith in God and my Savior, Jesus Christ, that they will aid me in my journey through detox and complete wholeness.

You have been caught Jey Walking!

My Story; My Call for Action

My life is not unlike many others. I too live on the roller coaster that is life; full of ups and downs, twists and turns. Throughout my young adult life I struggled with who I am and I can't say much has changed.

Part of my struggle included depression and choices that made it difficult to keep my head above water. From the age of 15 I became sexually active with guys from school and summer camps. By my senior year in high school I was meeting up with guys in their thirties. I was naive, but looking for love and everything in between. I did whatever my partners told me to do because I didn't know much about sex, so I took their word for it. A lot of time we didn't use protection and I figured I would be ok because they were nice guys. 

Then, I heard that my mother was infected with HIV and that changed my world. If she could be infected, so could I. I started getting tested every now and then and it always came back negative. I reassured myself that because I wasn't a drug user or having sex with dirty guys, I would be alright.By 2005 my mother was living with AIDS, had one T-Cell left and finally started medication. Later that year I got really sick and went to get a full STD screening; the test came back positive for HIV, the first time in seven years of testing. My life changed from that point forward. 

HIV can infect anybody; my mother, my friends, even me. It has not been easy to break bad habits of promiscuity and unprotected sex, but HIV has taught me a lesson about taking care of myself and others. I learned this lesson the hard way when I found out I had infected a friend, even though I thought we were careful. Fortunately, we have received medications, health services and programs are available to us to help us in this new world of HIV. We're both healthy and UNDETECTABLE! 

Many out there don't have as easy access to what we have. Many don't even know they're positive because they don't get tested. Unfortunately, people are still dying of HIV/AIDS. Donating to the AIDS Walk is about HOPE; 

HIV Outreach, Prevention and Education. 

Whatever you can donate is great because it means:

 

one more person KNOWS THEIR HIV STATUS. 

one more person LIVING LONGER. 

one more person PREVENTING AN INFECTION. 

one LESS DEATH.

Please walk with me on May 15th to show your support and/or donate today to my team. Take care and be well my friends!

Click here to donate =====> AIDS Walk 2011 Donation

♥ Jey

langston

I'm sure many of you have already read on Facebook that I lost one of my cats yesterday to an Upper Respiratory Infection and Feline Infectious Peritonitis (FIP), a viral disease of cats caused by certain strains of a virus called the feline coronavirus. Though this is common in rescue kittens and cats, this happened all too fast and unexpectedly for me.

Langston was just about a year old and had so much energy. He was always getting into trouble and taunting his buddy Porter into wrestling. He was so loving and just loved to be touched and cuddled. He really was a friend of mine and Porter. My roommates came to love and appreciate his youthful charm and also miss him very much. If anyone were to leave their door open, there Langston would be, cuddled on there bed next to their pillow or hiding from Porter, under the bed. It wasn't a surprise to find him in the bathtub or climbing into the home entertainment center to rest by the warm TV. He really was the most curious, fun-loving cat I've come across. He was so forgiving; you could yell at him to get off the counter or give him his ear drops or clip his claws, which he abhorred, but right afterward he would purr and cuddle up into my arms and begged to get his head and his nose scratched. He was my "little bambino" or "monkey" as I affectionately called him.

I was there at the hospital to visit him one last time and as was common with him when he saw me he came right into my arms to cuddle. He was in a lot of pain and very scared, but he knew I was there to love him. I will never forget that moment that he recognized me after a few days of being apart and how, even though he could barely move, he made the effort to come to me and be loved.

I hugged him, pet him and after awhile said my goodbyes. The doctor gave him something to make him really sleepy, then gave him the shot to put him to rest. It was the first time I had ever really watched a living creature, especially one I was close to, leave this existence. I was there when he breathed his last breath and as sad as I was, I could not produce even a tear because the experience was just too unreal to me.

I came home to my other cat, Porter, who is also sad, but more importantly, needs me to think of him, love him and continue to taken care of his needs. This has kept my mind off the entire experience. In the last 24 hours I have tried to fill my mind with fond memories of the time we spent together; this has helped to a degree. The problem is I wish there was something I could have done to prevent this from happening or would have got him care sooner, but what's done is done. My life is still going and there's so much to do; it doesn't feel like I have anytime to breathe after this ordeal.

I am not sure if it's losing him that is such a big deal or the feeling of losing someone that hurts so bad. I've spent a good part of my life being abandoned and losing loved ones. It's always hard for me to really process my feelings and this situation is no different. I keep telling myself, like I have before, that it's not my fault. However; in the back of my mind, I still feel, in some way, that it is.

What's the lesson I can learn from this and other situations? I know that things happen for a reason or sometimes for no reason at all. Good things happen to bad people just as bad things happen to good people, but which am I? It's been four years since my grandmother's death, which is the last time I lost someone very close to me. Maybe it was time for me to feel loss and pain in a effort to keep me in touch with God. Of course I don't blame God for this, how could I? Sometimes it takes a tragedy to set me back on the path, seeking God's blessings and to put trust back into Him and not myself. Maybe this is one of those times.

I feel blessed to have been able to know Langston because he did make me so happy and I am glad that he is no longer in pain. Rest in peace my little bambino.

You have been caught Jey Walking!

get it right

WOW! This sums up how I feel right about now.

Get It Right (GLEE)

What have I done? I wish I could
Away from this ship goin’ under
Just tryin’ to help, hurt everyone
Now I feel the weight of the world is
On my shoulders
What can you do when your good isn’t good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
‘Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many it times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight
Can I start again with my faith shaken?
‘Cause I can’t go back and undo this
I just have to stay and face my mistakes
But if I get stronger and wiser
I’ll get through this
What can you do when your good isn’t good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
‘Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many it times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight
So I throw up my fist
I will punch in the air
And accept the truth that sometimes life isn’t fair
Yeah, I’ll send out a wish
Yeah, I’ll send up a prayer
And finally, someone will see
How much I care!
What can you do when your good isn’t good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
‘Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many it times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight