Undetectable not Invincible

Maybe scheduling doctor appointments, in which one's blood is drawn for tests, should not occur on Friday the 13th, if you're superstitious. Just a thought.

I saw my doctor today for a follow-up to my labs I did last week and the results are not what I was expecting, but then again, I am not surprised.

Everything that should be normal has dropped lower or climbed higher; the only good thing that remains is that I am undetectable. I suppose a part of me began to believe that I was almost invincible, but clearly I am not.

Since May I have been dealing with more stress than I know what to do with. Starting a new job and going back to school certainly have not eased my troubles substantially. In fact, it could be the cause of my increased fatigue, loss of energy, loss of short-term memory and loss of appetite.

Often I have reflected or discussed with my roommate that I feel like I have gotten worse since May; there are some nights that I felt like I was falling apart and dying a slow death. Everyday hasn't been like this, but there are some days I just don't know what to do, so I just sit and endure the physical and emotional pain of what's coming at me because it's my only option I know of.

After some discussion with my doctor, she suggests that an MRI may be needed in the future and that there is a possibility of having a type of lymphoma; not uncommon to those living with HIV/AIDS. Lymphoma is a cancer that starts out in the immune system and spreads. Those with immuno-deficiencies of any kind are often subject to such a disease.

Almost everyone I know in my family that has passed away has had some type of cancer, even my "twin" cousin (born on the same date) died at 22 of an inoperable brain stem tumor. As cancer runs in my family, I am not surprised to hear such news, nevertheless, it is rather scary. I really thought that being HIV positive was enough for me. The tests haven't been done yet, so there's no real immediate need to worry, but I will anyway.

I know I have done this the last couple years, but I am asking again for my family and friends to pray and fast for me in remembrance of World AIDS Day, which is on December 1st every year. I will be holding a special fast on November 29th for myself. I ask that as many as possible people fast with me between November 29th and December 6th; whenever you can manage to do it. If nothing else, please keep me in your prayers.

I told my roommate this morning, "You be the strong one for me; if you worry, I'll worry even more."

I know Christ is the ultimate healer of all things and has the power to heal broken hearts, lost dreams, sorrow and sicknesses of all kind. I rely on the power of your thoughts, prayers, fasts and His power to overcome all I am given to endure.

I love you all.

Jey

opposites attract

Null Hypothesis: Negative forces and Positive forces are independent.

(Research Hypothesis: There is statistically significant evidence showing there is a relationship between negative and positive forces; they are not independent.)

Two-tailed t-test, 95% confidence level, alpha=0.05, mean=unknown, degrees of freedom=1, t-critical=12.706 and N=2.

I am currently taking Quantitative Methods (Graduate level Statistics), so I felt I could start out my post with my null and research hypothesis, but after that nothing else really made sense. My apologies go to those to whom have by now stopped reading because of their hatred for stats...oh wait, that's me. (Thanks to my friend Adrienne for helping to form the above.)

Moving along...

Yes, even I began singing the familiar tune by Paula Abdul when I named this post, but I am not here to review her song or to critique it for that matter.

I came to some realizations about myself for the first time, again. Join me in my exploration of my reality.

I have taken a look at people I know now, as well as a look back at all the people I have become or drew close to and realized that the one quality that is the same, for the most part, is that they are or were positive, optimistic and upbeat in nature.

My realization is what few people have touched upon throughout my life and others have failed to say clear enough: I am a negative force; I am a negative person. I attract or am attracted to positive forces and my relationships with positive people help me to be positive, but it is my nature to be negative. That's my conclusion anyway, for now.

I don't mean negative necessarily in a bad, dark or pessimistic sense, though it does apply to parts of my life. I mean negative in the way that I see most things in life as the glass being half empty; which is not in and of itself negative in nature but a negative perspective or rather of the negative spectrum (-1 {0} +1).

Life is all about balance, negativity, its forces and all opposition must exist; there's such evidence in scripture and academic journals alike. For this, I don't mind being apart of God's plan and representing the negative spectrum or opposition to others' expressed opinions or my loved ones' lives. I enjoy being what most call the 'devil's advocate' though I should make it clear I try my best never to successfully advocate for such a being.

I guess my feelings or desires behind expressing all of this is to understand what my purpose is in this life. Maybe I am here to challenge positive forces. When one says the cup is half full, I feel the need to show evidence that, in fact, the glass is half empty. Now, neither of one is exactly correct or incorrect; it's really all about how convincing one's argument is to another. Is this my purpose, to be more convincing? I doubt it.

The huge reason behind this post is about relationships, especially between negative and positive forces. If I am negative; that's my nature and I tend only to be positive when around positive forces, how can I ever be positive? Or in other words, how can I ever see the glass half full if I was presumably made to see it half empty.

I am confused about this because objects like batteries use negative and positive forces to operate. Or, like gravity and jumping in the air. It's hard to dispute that batteries only work when negative and positive are both present. However, some may measure the height one is able to reach when they jump, while I will measure the lack of height one is able to reach. Simply put, some people add to and I take away. Does that me a bad person or am I simply here to provide a different approach or perspective?

My other dilemma is that I feel better when I am positive, but unless nurtured and supported by all around me, I tend to choose what seems to me to be my negative nature.

What's even weirder is that a few people in my life see me as a positive influence in their life or a positive force. I find it hard to believe because I hardly focus on any good I do, but rather all the bad I've done, or the lack of good I've performed. In fact, that's what I am doing right now with this post; focusing on the negative instead of the positive.

When discussing this with a colleague we both came to the conclusion that our society desires that which is of a positive nature in word, but not necessarily in action. Simply put, we say we want peace, but we are always at war.

What if society embraced both positive and negative people for what they bring to the table? There could be positive pride and negative pride (is that an oxymoron?) parades and days of unity where nothing is equal, but everyone works together like a battery. Maybe that is what we are all saying when we say, "I want world peace." What we're really saying is that to gain world peace, we will first need to fight for it for ages and ages, then our posterity will enjoy it later on. The truth is that we enjoy opposites in life more than we know or want to admit. We love the drama of most modern-day relationships, reality shows and movies because they always involve opposing forces. Mary J. Blige sang "No More Drama", but I don't think one can exclude such a necessity from one's life - only minimize it.

My point is, I am often criticized for being negative, when I truly feel I am just being myself and realistic. My realization is that I don't need to feel like I have to be like everyone else, when in fact, everyone else needs a person like me to keep life balanced.

So, here's the question...

If I was made to be negative and I am successful at it, is that not considered a positive?

Oh Lord!

(comments welcome here)

You have been caught Jey Walking! (in two different directions)

the perfect fit

As I was about to go to sleep tonight I was reminded of events a little over a year ago when I was looking for a place to live in New York. Finding the perfect place is everything in New York City. It decides where you will shop, eat, hang out and how long your commute will be to and from work, school and friends. I wanted to find somewhere that would be everything I needed all in one place.

At the time I was looking, I was living in Prospect Park, Brooklyn and despite being mugged there I figured Brooklyn, the better part of it, would be perfect for my new start in the city. It was mostly quiet compared to Manhattan, it was more family oriented and lined with small shops, museums, library, gardens and a zoo, among other delights. There were plenty of places to go shopping, hang out and young singles to mingle with, but was it enough?

I looked high and low in different communities of Brooklyn to find the place for me. After I tried several options on Craigslist I almost gave up. Was I acting like a privileged white kid away from home for the first time or was I truly just searching for a place to call home like everyone else? Finally, as time was running out, I found this ideal situation - yes, even on Craigslist.

I found a gay couple who own a beautiful 18th or 19th century four-story row home. The house was a two minute walk from all the major subway lines and a major shopping center that included restaurants, Target, Old Navy and grocery stores. The couple had owned the home for 30 years and seem like a wonderful pair of older men with no hidden agenda. The home was refurbished to it's original style and decked out with antique furniture, decoration and my personal favorite, pianos, yes plural. It seemed too surreal - I mean come on, three tuned pianos in one home??? So what's the catch? There seemed to be none - it was perfect.

The deal was that I would get the entire fourth floor equipped with my own bathroom and large furnished bedroom with access to the entire house that included laundry facilities, free utilities, state of the art kitchen and cable TV and internet for $700/ month!!! I was waiting for something to snap and pop the dream bubble.

Well, they had a few offers, but seemed to like me, especially because I play the piano. I looked at another apartment in Manhattan since that's where I'd be going to school and I was likely to be around more YSAs than in Brooklyn. The rent at the Manhattan apartment was about $100 more with considerable less amenities, not to mention I would have three strange roommates. I didn't want to give this opportunity to live in Manhattan up though, it was one block from Central Park and in between two subway lines - it wasn't so bad.

The Bishopric of the ward for that boundary was putting together the roommates and getting a good deal for the apartment that would be fully renovated. Before I signed on to live there I had told the counselor that I was HIV positive, ex-communicated and gay because I didn't want to be set up with some crazy, ignorant roommates. This whole dramatic thing came out of me be open about my status that is neither here or there now, but for the purpose of the story it made me think - gee, Brooklyn is probably a better choice.

Then the day came when I had to make a choice. Given the drama that had risen from the Manhattan choice I really, really didn't want to move there and I was way more comfortable staying in Brooklyn. In Brooklyn, I felt like I could be myself and not have to answer to anyone. It seemed like living in the other apartment there would be some problems. As I was saying, I had to make a choice and it was so hard. I was about to tell Manhattan to forget it and a voice as clear as ever said, NO, move to Manhattan. I was so confused. I would have had everything I could dream of at a lower price, why must I go to Manhattan. The voice didn't answer.

So, with tears welling up in my eyes and my heart pounding I picked up the phone and called the Brooklyn guys and said I was no longer interested in the apartment and hung up. I fell down in my bed and cried - for some reason it really hurt me that I couldn't have this dream of mine. I raised my voice to God and said, I don't know why you've asked me to do this, but this is my small sacrifice upon your altar, please accept it. I will never forget how I felt in that moment. I felt at peace, I felt comforted, I felt extremely loved. Most of all I felt the sacrifice was accepted and knew blessings would come my way in Manhattan.

A year has passed and it has not been an easy road. We've had several problems in the apartment: neighbors, noise, graffiti, drug use, weird smells to name a few. Then there's the whole adjusting to new people I don't know and their unacceptable habits. Take all of that away and I was still left with financial, physical, spiritual and emotional problems of my own. Somehow, some way, I have been able to overcome all the obstacles mostly unscathed. I still don't like some of my roommates and where I live isn't a dream come true - but compared to what, Brooklyn? I don't think Brooklyn could have helped me overcome these things - I would have had less friends and less access to what I really need. My place is not a dream but it's just right. I've met some great people in my ward, my Bishopric is understanding and helpful, I'm closer to more things than I know and even my rent has gone down to $700.

I guess we all do the could of, would of , should of game because frankly it's fun to think about what might have been. In this case, I am certain that had I not listened to that voice; had I not placed my small sacrifice upon the Lord's altar - the protection and the blessings may not have come. I may not have made the close friends I have now that have helped push me forward in ways I could not have done alone.

The trials and tribulations never cease, but perspectives change. This last year in New York; all of the adventures I've journeyed upon and mishaps I've endured have been the greatest gift and guiding lesson for the future. I've learned a lot about myself; who I am, how I treat myself, how I treat others, how I treat God and how I view the world. Times ain't easy but I sure am glad that when I wake up tomorrow that I'm waking up overlooking Central Park in a city that's always changing just like me- seems like a perfect fit.

You have been caught Jey Walking!

disease vs. cure

I met with my program advisor recently to discuss my options for the spring semester in graduate school. After talking about the future he wanted to know more about the present. I have had some issues transitioning from one way of life to another. Atlanta is not New York City by any stretch of the imagination, so adjustments over the last year have been made. One issue we spoke about was my incomplete courses; these are courses of which I have not turned in remaining required assignments. This creates a problem as both the incomplete coursework and current course work need to be completed. Otherwise it becomes costly, both monetarily and GPA-wise.

I listed all the usual excuses and jibber-jabber, but clearly the look on my advisor's face said it all: WHO CARES! The world does not stop because you had a bad day, someone died or you don't understand something. One can choose to focus on the can nots, did nots, was not able tos of life; slowly sliding backwards or one can see the cans, dos, am able tos and move forward - or as my Branch President would always say, "Onward and Upward!"

After some discussion of what needed to change and what is expected of me if I plan to move forward we got on more of a personal discussion. My advisor knows about my HIV status so he knows that when I found out I was HIV-positive I felt like I was the disease. Everything became unmanageable or undo-able because I had a potentially terminal illness; I was a disease. He expressed to me that I was still in that defeatest mode while in school. When assignments felt too large to comprehend or tasks were too technical to handle; I took the defeatest path and slid backwards, but who has that helped?

Be the cure, live the cure, you are the cure! That's essentially the message my advisor presented me. Stop deciding you're going to fail because you're "damaged" and move forward becoming better than you were before the disease. After he said this he stopped and looked at me and said, "Swallow." I was puzzled. "Swallow that pill that is so difficult for you to get down; your ego, your defeatest mode, your feelings of inadequacy; just swallow, then breathe." I realized that my face must have read, "But I don't want to, I enjoy the conflict in my life" but I knew he was right. Like I have previously written, it is time to let go; now I know what I need to let go of. This disease is not my life; not even the end of my life, merely a small part of it. In fact it takes up a minute of my life each day when I have to, wait for it, swallow my medication and a few doctor visits here and there.

It reads in 2 Nephi 2:11, "For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things." In this story there is the path and life of the disease or the path and life of the cure. I think that this can apply to all areas of my life that I am, as it reads in 2 Nephi 2:27, "free to choose liberty and eternal life, through the great Mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil; for he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself." Regardless of accident, God's will or disease, I choose how to deal what is given to me to deal with and accepted such terms before coming to this Earth and this life.

Simply put, I choose to live or die. After some discussion I think living life in all of its definition is the best choice.

You have caught me Jey Walking!

to everything there is a season

Last week I decided to let go and even talked to my counselor about it at length.

For the past few days I have been quite successful at looking at my things as annoyances and space taker-uppers than fond memories and cherished belongings. This process has all been real good for me.

I also applied to be on The Amazing Race, though I am sure the odds are stacked against me and my roommate being selected to go on. So, I let go of the idea that I was going to be cast on the show and that felt good too, but I think it would be awesome if we were chosen. The idea of being in a race got me thinking...

I am facing a lot of weird feelings, emotions and thoughts that are difficult to get out of my head. I think that is the hardest thing to let go of; my feelings or thoughts. They keep me company when I am lonely, afraid, day-dreaming or sad, but I admit some of them have to go too.

It has become apparent to me that I blog to passively get support from family and friends. I thrive on feedback, comments and advice. There are certain posts that I still go back and read; those ones were for me, but I think others were more of a lure for support in the form of comments from my friends.

I realize now that I need to be more active in my friendships and relationships with others. I need to be a support to get support. I have to let go of the idea that because I need support or help that my family and friends are obligated to drop everything to serve my needs.

I am strong and intelligent person; sometimes I forget, but I do know that I am not that weak. I don't need friend or family crutches; I just need to stand up, stand tall and move forward on my own. Yes, I need my family and friends to be there for me when I fall, but I have to vocalize that injury instead of expecting others to just assume I am broken, injured and need help. Of course, I also need to vocalize such needs to my Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ. Many things I struggle with, my family and friends can't really do anything about other than pray on my behalf, which is great, but I need the Atonement; I need Jesus to heal me.

Part of my letting go journey has begun and it includes standing up on my own two feet and taking this journey; this long walk down a short road, on my own with the guidance of my Savior and the Holy Ghost. It doesn't mean my family and friends can't cheer for me on the sidelines, but I can't expect anyone to carry me any longer or any further. This is my life and my journey; my walk and I have to make it alone.

I can't fulfill my mission or purpose here on Earth if I can't prove I can do it all by myself or rather that I have the desire to make choices for myself that lead me in the right direction. I have to prove to myself that I am strong, powerful, intelligent and worthy of the presence of God, my Heavenly Father.

" And {I will} prove {myself} herewith, to see if {I} will do all the things whatsoever the Lord {my} God shall command {me}." ~ Abraham 3:25

Probably one of my favorite piece of scripture ever (I love the song) sums it up:

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace." ~ Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

You have been caught Jey Walking!

letting go

Today it hit me.

I spent thirty years of my life trying to hold onto to memories, people, places, things and now I want to get rid of half of what I have, but I don't know how to let go.

Letting go, for me, is like purposely choosing to be abandoned. Recently, I have been searching my soul and talking out loud to those who will listen about letting go. Not just of stupid things, negative people or bad places but also letting go of fantasies, dreams of what could of been, false realities and a sense of entitlement, as one friend pointed out to me last year.

None of this belongs to me. Nothing is owed to me. Nothing is mine.

I tend to go into a situation "knowing" that all will work out in my favor and all the odds are in my court. This is a silly, immature fallacy. In the end, I get upset because I am confused to why it didn't turn out my way. One regret I carry is that I didn't take advantage of a wise grandmother, who didn't know much about anything, but knew nothing in life was free and even in the case of friends or family, it takes work to earn what you want; be it love, respect, honor, money or fame. I now wonder if my grandmother cautioned me from overextending myself and setting my expectations so high because at the time she could see I would only do the bare minimum to pass. There's a list of evidence favoring that statement.

I was a good runner with the potential to be a great runner, but I didn't work as hard. I was a good student with the potential to be a great student, but didn't work hard enough; I often lost focus of the end goal. The list goes on for 30 years. I am good at a lot of things with the potential to be great, but I have not been willing to do the work; to focus on the end goal; to push through the pain. Sure, people that know my story will tell me they're impressed because I'm not addicted to drugs, in prison or dead, but that's not good enough for me - I don't think that should be good enough for anyone.

There you have it friends, I am admitting I am not as great as I could be. Some of you might write comments that reassure me otherwise, but please, don't. This isn't a post fishing for compliments - I am writing this for me.

There's a lot wrong with me and what's wrong with me is a list of bad choices, some that haven't been resolved. Today I read an article in the September 2009 Ensign about loving those you know with same-gender attraction; I find the articles about this subject to be interesting because I often think, "how things really are," is left out. However, the author wrote this one line that I really like that I feel I could apply to myself.

It reads, "After all, it is the Savior's role, not mine, to heal her." Instead I read it this way, " After all, it is the Savior's role, not mine, to heal me." I am not sure if that's true because I always figured it was my role, as well as the Savior's, to heal me. Apparently I had this notion that I am equal to God and Christ's power. I would never say that, nor is that what I really believe. In thinking I can heal myself or resolve my problems with or without the Savior is ridiculous. Time and time again I am told in blessings, talks and scriptures that it is, "after all we can do..." ~2 Nephi 25:23

Today, it hit me.

I can do all I can do and it will never be enough to match the strength, love and purity of the Savior's. He's not looking for a perfect sculpture; a masterpiece, He's looking for clay.

One of my favorite scriptures reads, "O (Jey), cannot I do with you as this potter? saith the Lord. Behold, as the clay is in the potter's hand, so are ye in mine hand, O (Jey)." ~Jeremiah 18:6

How many times does the Lord have to tell me it's not only okay to let go, it's time to let go? I have built up all this evidence why I have failed in this life because I haven't measured up to a standard I knew I couldn't attain alone. The Lord, on the other hand, as gracious as He eternally is, has volumes of books of evidence proving I am good enough for Him.

I think of Laman and Lemuel; they were not that different from myself. I am no Nephi; I am a rebel who so quickly forgets the mercy of God. I love what Nephi exclaims to his brothers, "How is it that ye are so hard in your hearts, and so blind in your minds...How is it that ye have not hearkened unto the word of the Lord? How is it that ye have forgotten that ye have seen an angel of the Lord? Yea, and how is it that ye have forgotten what great things the Lord has done for us...Yea, and how is it that ye have forgotten that the Lord is able to do all things according to His will, for the children of men, if it so be that they exercise faith in him? Wherefore, let us be faithful to him." ~1 Nephi 7:8-12

I am not a complete rebel, but I have lost some sight of how great the Lord has been to me in my mortal life and on my journey back to Him. Lucky for me, God still loves me. Isaiah wrote and Nephi recorded several times this great phrase or reminder, "but His hand is stretched out still."

I like to believe that the Lord keeps telling me to let go and grab hold of that hand that, "is stretched out still." So, maybe today's a great day for that.

Today it hit me.

It's time to let go.

You have been caught Jey Walking!

just so you know

"I'm so excited for you - but what does it mean to be undetectable?" is the question I get the most and I do not mind at all explaining what HIV/AIDS is and why being undetectable is so important.

So, please indulge me as I layout the basics of HIV/AIDS or the Human Immunodeficiency Virus and Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome. HIV is the virus that leads to AIDS and AIDS is a diagnosis given to those with HIV that have a high viral load count, a T-Cell count under 200 and/or an opportunistic infection - an infection that only those with severely compromised immune systems generally get.

Let me state emphatically, HIV/AIDS IS NOT A GAY DISEASE.

"HIV does not discriminate. It is not who you are, but what you do that determines whether you can become infected with HIV."

No thanks to the CDC in the early eighties, the common myth is that HIV/AIDS only affects gay people and those they engage in unprotected sex with. Though the gay community and those that had unprotected sex with them were and are still being infected - they are not the source nor the only ones being infected.

The other common myth is that HIV/AIDS came from apes/monkeys - there is no certain known source of HIV/AIDS and there is still extensive research into when and where it first appeared. Some reports show evidence that it has been around since the late 1800's-early 1900's.

Another myth: There must be a cure because so many people are living healthy, longer lives even with HIV/AIDS. This is false, there is no found cure. Anti-retroviral drugs or "cocktails" are strong and can fight off the effects of the disease for a long time. Thanks to the advances in medicine and science and a landmark move by two pharmaceutical companies to collaborate their work into a one pill once a day drug - many people around the world are surviving. There are so many millions, though, without these drugs that die every minute of every day mostly because of ignorance, refusal to get tested, governments who refuse to accept help or allow their infected people to have drugs, etc. Please, just remember, there is no found cure, but there is hope that we are close to getting one.

Now that I've covered all that - you may want to know what exactly it is. There are plenty of websites that describe HIV/AIDS, I will list the best ones at the end. HIV is a virus that attacks the immune system, but not like most viruses. HIV is unfortunately, really smart.

In basic terms HIV comes into the body through semen, vaginal fluid, blood and breast milk. The ways it is transmitted is through unprotected sex, sharing contaminated syringes/needles, giving birth and breast-feeding. There are rare cases where it was transmitted through oral sex or kissing that still involved either blood, semen or vaginal fluid - NOT saliva. Though saliva carries the HIV antibodies - it would take at least 8 gallons of saliva in contact continuously with at least one of the other bodily fluids to be infected. Even then, there have not been enough cases to prove that kissing leads to infection unless blood is present and that oral sex leads to infection unless blood and a contaminated bodily fluid is present. Not to be too graphic, but I can't imagine anyone wanting to kiss someone while both their mouths were bleeding, etc.

Just a reminder, HIV is not transmitted through sweat, saliva, urine, mosquitos or anything other than what was listed above. It is strictly a virus only humans can get, though there is evidence that other similar viruses have been found in our relatives; primates.

HIV, once in the body, attaches itself to T-Cells (CD-4 cells) aka white blood cells and basically retrieves DNA from the cell and imitates the cell as if itself, the virus, is a healthy white blood cell. The virus in its new disguise tricks the healthy cell into letting it inside. It enters the cell and starts making millions and billions of copies of itself that are sent out like destroyer drones. Eventually, the healthy cell is taken over by the virus and the process repeats until, without treatment, the person has no more healthy cells to protect themselves and they die.

Everyone has T-Cells; when you get a cold, T-Cells send out antibodies that save you from death and doctors can use these to diagnose you. When someone gets HIV - antibodies are sent out to help fight and that's why doctors use saliva to do preliminary HIV tests. They do blood tests to confirm whether someone who tested positive through saliva actually has the HIV virus and not some other virus; the preliminary tests are 99.9% accurate, but there are a few reasons why a false positive may show up.

Ok, so jump to someone like me who not so long ago wasn't doing so great. My T-Cell count was at 303 and my viral load was 88,668 or something like that. That's not so great. Doctors will suggest and strongly encourage that any HIV positive person with a T-cell count under 500 should begin treatment.

What is treatment? It's different for everybody. It began in a horrible way but now we have hope. The "cocktails" or anti-retrovirals are meant to do two things at the same time. One, kill the virus before or as it attaches to the T-Cell. Two, enter the contaminated T-Cell and stop the virus from making copies. So, drugs are designed to help and protect T-Cells and the body by increasing T-Cells and decreasing viral load. The idea is that an HIV/AIDS patient have more than 500 T-Cells and less the 48 copies of the virus/viral load. When someone has under 48 copies, tests can no longer detect the virus in the body and that's why we call people with an undetected viral load, UNDETECTABLE.

Just an interesting note: A person who has been diagnosed as having AIDS, but because of treatment improves to the point that their T-Cells go back over 200 and their viral load decreases...no matter if the person lives the rest of their life undetectable, they are still considered to have AIDS. Once an immune system has been so compromised, ANYTHING, can set it right back down or even to death.

Early treatments required sometimes 12 to 15 pills a day, three to six times a day. Imagine taking anywhere from 36-90 plus pills a day that each cost about $100 or more. Today, drugs are still expensive, but there are more and more organizations that make it possible for more people regardless of income to have access to these drugs. I believe it's now the law in the United States that HIV/AIDS patients cannot be refused medical help and medicinal treatment - the program is known as Medic-Aid - anyone who enters a hospital with HIV/AIDS can demand Medic-Aid to cover the costs of the support they need. Of course this program is based on low-income and each state has a set standard.

I feel I have rambled on here and there and mixed everything up. Hopefully, I have presented this information in a way that has been helpful to all that read it. I am more than happy to answer any questions about HIV/AIDS and/or my personal experiences with it via my personal e-mail.

I love you all and thank you for the thoughts, prayers and support you give me. Without it, I would not have the ability to open up and share such vital information with my family and friends. Again, I really do appreciate all that you have done on my and other HIV/AIDS patients behalf through emotional, physical and financial support.

You have been caught Jey Walking!

http://www.northstarlds.org/hivaids.php
once there, scroll down for websites for more information

You will also find an essay I wrote about my experience with HIV